Count your BLESSINGS.........

Ever been so tired of being so tired? So completely exhausted at the end of the day that your not quite sure how you will make it through?

Well that's exactly  how I have felt lately. Acting as a single parent, being so swamped at work and continuously feeling worse each day has only added to my exhaustion. I have quickly learned that not even caffeine injected directly into my veins seems to help!
Since my last post I have had several more tests, including a MRI of brain and cervical spine. While this is one of the easiest test to take, it is the one that I hate the most, partially because it is the one that delivers the worst results. While the results are often the same, it the direction that my neurologist takes that varies depending upon how large the monster in my head has become. This go around - the news was what I expected....... a change in size.

After all I have had to endure over the last several years, I have learned to become fully aware of my own body, my limitations and most importantly when something just isn't right. Well my body has been telling me something was not right for a few months. I have been VERY tired and in ALOT of pain. My head and neck have hurt so bad recently that every morning when I embrace the porcelain goddess, I contemplate throwing in the towel, crawling back into bed and staying there until brain transplants become legal. But I know where that mentality will get me......in the bed, hooked to machines and a personal attendant who wakes me every 4 hours to take my vitals. While I can't deny I like the thought of a personal attendant (under different circumstances), I do not welcome all that comes with it.

Since I have been having this weird inner convulsing thing going on, nothing like those of which you see on America's Best Dance Crew, my Doc ordered a EEG a few weeks ago. The results of it were a fresh orangy smell, very messy hair and a epilepsy disorder caused by the increased pressure. I have know for several years that I have a seizure disorder that results from the AC. But most of what I experienced in the past was full fledged fish out of the water seizures. (Well except the one time I had 15 in a 5 minute time frame. Want to freak out you doctors - flop like a water deprived fish, check into the hospital for 6 days and talk like mush mouth...works every time!!) However, recently all of the convulsing has been felt on the inside with very little outward activity. I probably would not even have realized it if it were not for Corey saying I was zoning out and twitching one night when we were sitting together on the couch. I know what your thinking but I was not intentionally zoning out....not this time anyway. After that I became more in tune to what I was feeling. Now,   I wish I would have just continued to zone out, so much easier when you don't acknowledge there's a problem.

DENIAL...DENIAL...DENIAL...

More recently - today I had to have a visual field and the pressure checked in my eyes. Poor Man's MRI, or so the Opthamologist says. It showed that since my last check up, over 45% more of the peripheral vision in my right eye has been lost and reiterated exactly what my doctors have told me. Again, not a real shocker since I have been experiencing some visual disturbances. When I say disturbances I am referring to the little man who keeps flickering the light on and off in my right eye and then he leaves and forgets to flip the switch back to the "on' position prior to his departure. It's kind of like when your taking a shower and your kids think its funny to turn the light off and run out of the room laughing. Takes a little while for your eyes to adjust but when they do..... you rinse the burning soap out, search for a dry towel to dry off and race to catch those little boogers. At this point I am still trying to get the burning soap out.

And it's the little boogers that keep me going. That MAKE me get up each day, FORCE me to face what it holds and REMIND me to thank my Creator for blessing me with them. Because without them, well I am not sure I want to go there.

"Thank God from whom ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!"

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken" Psalm 55:22

Many Blessings,
Jessica Smith