Is there a Silver Lining?

We often take for granted how good life is and forget how quickly things can take a turn for the worst.
While these last few years have not been a piece of cake for me, or my family, I would like to think that I have done my best to find the silver lining in  EVERY grey cloud along the way.
Although, lately I feel as if there is not a silver lining or a blue cloud in sight.
After LOTS of tests and procedures over the last few months I have been forced to face the realization that I am not going to get any better on my own, regardless of what I would like to think or what little magic pill I am forced to take.
I had a visual field that left the doctors telling me I have a 90% chance of going completely blind in the next few months. A nerve test that resulted in the confirmation that I have severe damage to my brain and right side of my body and a spinal tap that resulted in a elevated CSF pressure reading. Think that's alot to take in........ well you have not even heard the best.
Apparently the severe pain upon standing that followed the tap confirmed that I have a defective "ball valve" in my brain. What is the ball valve and Who the heck has a defective one? and why in the world am I the special one who gets the defective one? Is this some cruel joke??? Did I skip class the morning these were being handed out? I mean as if my already dysfunctional brain was not enough, now I get defective valve? If I were an old Buick they would put me down!
In my case a PT Cruiser, but hey that's a whole other post!
Learning this explains alot. It explains why some mornings upon awaking I throw up and others I don't. It explains why sometimes upon standing I get extremely dizzy, why I can only sleep flat on my back because lying any other way causes an extreme burning sensation, why I have so much pressure behind my eyes and a gazillion other things. See the defective valve thingy does not allow the CSF fluid into my brain or it's ventricles properly. Sometimes it rushes in and other times it trickles and apparently if it is stuck it can flood my brain and / or not flow at all.
So what does all of this mean? Well I will find out when I go see the surgeon on the 21st. Looks like there is a shunt in my future. I can not say that I have decided 100% (or even 10% for that matter) that I am on board with this option. While my neurologist does not think I have any other option and he assures me that I will see a dramatic improvement, I am terrified. Terrified of the operation, terrified of the potential complications, terrified by all of the stories I have heard and read about shunt malfunction but most of all -  terrified it will not work.
See truth be told - I am tired. Very tired!! Tired of being sick, tired of being in continual, non-stop agonizing pain, tired of being tested, poked and prodded and tired of watching my family watch me go through this.
I would not wish the ups and downs of this horrible "disease" upon anyone.
My poor sweet babies do not deserve this. Sometimes I feel like if I would just forget about it or suck it up - it would be so much easier on them. But then I have to remind myself that recognizing my limitations is what allows me to be able to get up and move forward with each day. It doesn't determine how fast I will move... just that I am moving and for right now I guess that's all I can ask.