Victim of Circumstances?

Today has been quite an uneventful day. I have not done alot except snuggle with my sweet "A" watch cartoons and try to mentally and physically prepare for the weekend and the week to come. Somehow this is my coping mechanism and the OCD part of me tends to do better if I "prepare" myself for what's coming.
I awoke, as usual, this morning bright and early only to spend 30+ minutes in the bathroom throwing up. This is the first morning I have awoke this way in several days. However, it is usually the norm for me. I have even learned to get up a little earlier the mornings that I have to be at work or church in order to get it over, so I can proceed with my "normal" morning routines.
I have learned that with increased intercranial pressure and a cyst on my pituitary the transition from lying flat to sitting up causes an adverse effect with the rest of my body. If you were a fly on the wall you would find most mornings at my house are quite comical. The alarm goes off, I roll over off my back to my knees on the floor and crawl the rest of the way to the bathroom. If I make it before getting sick I consider it a great start. However, if the alternative happens, well you can guess how the rest of the day proceeds and I am sure my husband and I will never quite grow used to the smell. Every outlet in my house has a plug in. I believe that the Smith family probably single handily funds over 90% of Febreeze's profits!
At one point my soon to be 13 year old swore I was pregnant and trying to hide it from my husband! After much debate and pinky promising I think she now is finally convinced I am NOT with child. It's not that I do not LOVE children, I do. I just never, ever want to put myself or my unborn child through the misery of a pregnancy full of unknowns. Will I have a seizure during delivery? Will the child be born with a cyst on their brain? Will the umpteen thousand prescriptions I have to take every day effect my unborn child?
While I would never trade my two precious girls for anything in the world, you can understand why being pregnant would not be beneficial to anyone.
Sorry getting off track here....
So after cleaning up, scrubbing my teeth (yes - scrubbing) and changing shirts, finally I got to enjoy my favorite part of the morning. A hot cup of coffee in peace and quite! Ahhhh... I love the serenity of sitting with a hot cup of coffee, 5:00 news playing in the background and my daily devotional in hand. Something about the peacefulness of sitting with God's word and giving Him many thanks and praise for all of the blessings He has given my family.
My devotional this morning talked about anger and God's forgiveness. (Ephesians 4: 31-32) It's easy to be angry. It's easy to play the blame game. After all when life is throwing all types of trials and tribulations our way we often blame God for what we are going through. We point the finger and become angry for "Him letting this happen". But is it really His fault? Is it really anyones fault? God does not wish his children to suffer. He loves us. When we laugh He laughs and when we weep He weeps right along beside us.
It's funny because my dad and I were just talking about this very thing the other day. He said "I don't understand why He just does not take your pain away, you know he can. Why did He choose you to endure all of this?" My only response to my dad was this - "God is obviously using me and my illness to help others. One day everything I have been through will have a meaning and it will make sense. If only one persons life is changed or if one mother's nerves are set as ease because she was given my number  - then to me every bit of pain is worth it." He replied "I know but I hate seeing you like this and I hate that I can not do anything to fix it. I would rather suffer than to see you." (For those of you that do not know I am listed as a resource for the National Brain Tumor Society and through my last Neurosurgeons office so that anyone who is facing the same or similar issues as myself can call me. We may talk about what to expect, the procedures, the surgery, how it has effected my life, etc... But most of all I find myself just listening and always offering a prayer, most of the time that's all they need is someone who's been through the same thing to listen. It has also been a awesome tool for me to remind them of God's undying love for them.) I had to then tell my dad that "God knows that there is NO WAY a man could go through what I go through, I mean I love you and all but we know that most all men are big babies when their sick and you are no different." His simple reply - "Your right!"
Trust me I am no saint! I hurt all the time and I get angry and upset just like everyone else. I have both good and bad days. I get upset with others and  curse words have even been heard leaving this mouth. (Just ask the cheif resident at the hospital last week, I am sure he could give you an earfull of the nice inappropriate language I was using) But all I can do is try. I know I am a sinner. I know I am not perfect and often I feel as if I am not worthy of the sacrifices has God made for me. But guess what - we all are! We are all human and from time to time us humans make mistakes. Its recognizing the mistakes and growing because of them.
So for today, I will take this throbbing head of mine and recognize that even though I live in a world that is surrounded by anger and hate I will choose not to become a victim of circumstances. Instead I will remember God's unending forgiveness for me and I will try to treat others with the kindness and compassion that God continues to show to me each and every day!!